Fuck My Life

Tomorrow's my parents anniversary.. The day to remeber the start of a new family, The start of a new begining of journey untold. But guess what, Nobody fucking's remember except for me. pfft.

Some time i wonder, what for? why do I eve have to bother giving a fuck on such a day, reminding both side of the parents and asking them to put down their difference and actually give a shit to both side wishing Hapy Anniversary Dear.

Fuck this Shit.. Why do i even care. I myself can barely last a conversation , and with my mum for 5 minutes, and while everyone else can talk for hours and hours long. Why? And what can i do this fix this?

Why is everyone so cold already? have love gone cold.. Christmas.. offt.. The family season of cele fucking celebration and exchanging gift.. one friend of mine actually bother to post christmas card to her family member. Me? I dont even know whether i will call them that morning..

The hell is going wrong with me.. It seem so weird, that everyone misses their family so much, and they could go on and on about how their parents teases each other, and how their parents first met. While me? My parents got married coz they accidently fuck, and had me.

FML.. really.. Family first. I will never be able to say that, not in this lifetime. what is it that gone so wrong? where is the love? I want it so bad.... I rather exchange wtv skils, friends, and potential in me, and be a fucking retard just so i can have the family warmth and love. I really want to taste it. But nah..

Cibai.. they say is fun, that im able to live by myself, being indepedant, and eat out all day long. trust me, right now, i just want to rely on my family so bad......

I cant begin to describe in words what I feel right now.

So many question in my head but yet, after every time i thought i searched the answer, it stills seem it doesn't fall into the picture. Not trying to brag but the fact people here just don't fucking get me. Or am i the one that don't get them. Whichever this place is just plain weird and all out place. However, is still a place to escape from the life in KL. this island is suppose to be a new start, well, it is. But people here are different, they seem to think differently. They adore problem in life. But yet, when they have it, they just complaint and hate their life.

Am i suppose to clean their mess? Is that a Christian way doing things.

Sigh.. nyway, those are crap. What true-ly bother me is actually this girl i like, she is close to exactly how i want her to be. A new start, someone i could turn on too. But dam, she is being after by so many guys. Why?

And damn, the vow of staying single.. is not making things easy. If i do not make any move, she will be gone, my one true friend. If i do, i break my vow.

FML. God why did you ship me here.

Day 1

Class started today. Nothing really significant happen today. Well, some highlights are i started my tamil 101 class today.. My teacher Mr.Raja and also Ms.Prema, lovely couple who used to lived in P.Msia and now in Labuan.

How is my resolution? Is no where near i guess. I fall into temptation again as i bought another pack of cigarette. And also i havent been really transparent with my friend, being very secretive and all. :(

One of my closest friend ask me to bring my helpful attitude to Sabah so i could be the light, well, there's any door, and i honestly feel being a light under a box.

How la???

T-minus 1 hour

Once in bible school, I was taught this quote

A life not reflected, is a life wasted.

The whole purpose of this quote being told to me once simply because the school would like to implant the habit of journaling in me. Well, honestly speaking, it didn't really worked out simply because i didn't like to think.

I'm generally a pessimist, or aka 'EMO'. So, when i really do sit down and collect my thoughts and try to paint a picture from it, it usually end up to a very depressing conclusion.

However, I haven't never really had a chance to pen down, or in this case, type down this incident that recently happen.

Due to my wrong attitude in approaching my pre-tertiary education and life last year, i have done badly for my major exam. This leads to a bad odd of me entering any local university to continue my studies. My teacher's advice for me upon looking at my result was, "Chun Yeet, have you considering to start working at a younger age?'', knowing that local uni enrollment is not on my favor.

However, it is written in the bible

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

So,

With this promise from God, I've decided to allow God to take control my life, and now, I'm officially a student of University of Student, studying International Marketing (which so happened to be my first choice in applying for enrollment)

In less than 1 hour, I will soon start the day as a student, my first class will start at 8am tomorrow morning. This so happened to be my first officially lecture too. A little nervous and excited. Excited to learn, nervous because i have not have direct input of information for a very long time.

This chance of being able to persuade is not by luck, not by probability, not by man's decision but I believe is by the Grace of God. A second chance for me to restart, to rejuvenate my life and most important of all to remember of His grace that has abound on me.

Now, life is not really that depressing after all, I don't see why not start journaling again. Not a book that holds complaints, and whines about how it doesn't work out. But simply a page to record down of God's faithfulness, grace, mercy, and love even in the darkest hour.

For ,

'Your love guide me through my darkest night'- Running after You- Planetshaker

and our response should be

'In the darkest place we will be your light,'- Solution- Hillsongs

because

'The night is the darkest before dawn'-Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

Haha, Something like that la. This are some resolution i made for the three years down the road.

1) To stay True to myself and to God. To worship God in spirit and in Truth

2) To continue the daily habit of doing devotion and journaling

3) To quit smoking permanently

4) Strive excellency for God.

U know those moments when you just could completely relate to a song, like as those it speaks your exact feelings out.. I think i had one of the moment today.


I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.

You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone

[Wiz Khalifa]
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button

Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my show,
You can tell it I'm ballin.

Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
that little piece of shit with you.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone...

21 days of SUSOM

3 weeks away from home..

Away from comfort zone, away from people loved and cared one, away from my friends, away from my car, away from my job, away from my worries, away from all the fears, away from my commitment and obligation, SUSOM was the escape plan for me to take a break from my hectic lifestyle.

*SUSOM-Scripture Union Students On Mission. A 3 week programme for school leavers for mission exposure organized by Scripture Union Peninsular Malaysia.

It defiantly wasn't something i wanted to attend, i was so comfortable with my life. I have a not too bad job for a school leaver, a group of 'kaki mamak', i enjoying my time serving in church, going out and spending time with my youth group. Everything was doing great, in fact, I was offered with so many others career opportunity. Life was just perfect. Although so, God wasn't really playing any part in my life, but why bother, life was fine.

29th Dec, 2 days before the dateline for application of SUSOM, i received a call and i was asked to participate SUSOM, my first reaction was NO. I meant what for? I was doing great with my life, 9 months breaks, this is the best time of my life. Why give a damn about this?? So, I just turn the offer down. Immediately after i hang up the phone, a strong urge came upon me and told me I should go for it.

The feeling was strong, and I just cant make up my mind, the thought of God's calling for me back in RBS ( a similiar Christian program) just cant stop haunting me, so with much persuasion and advice, i decided to attend this program.

So how was SUSOM? Well, it was a big change of lifestyle. First, I was being treated like a kid, i have a caretaker, i have to report whatever i have to do. There, was journal-ing and reporting to do, and just like RBS, there is book assignment too. But little as i dislike it, i soon to learn to enjoy doing so. I enjoyed my quiet time, every workshop and classes provided. I enjoyed the friendship i made.

But what truly changed me was the presence of God. I finally understood, why God causes certain event to happened in my life. I came to know i was more spiritual sensitivity was more strong compare to Christian, it wasn't something that i like, but God have chosen me because He knew I capable of having it. Secondly, the feeling of waking up and just can't wait to learn from God is just amazing. I cant wait to read and attend class, although i dont show it, but deeply, I really look forward for all classes. Third, I strengthen my relationship with God, life back home is great, but not once, God was in the picture except for occasionally Sunday Morning.

I been running away from God all this while, I didn't like what he arranged for me. Being from a single family, luxury was something i have to earned myself, and i had no problem doing so myself, with my own effort. I chose my to live my life the way i wanted for myself. Where's God? Where ever He is, so long he doesn't block my way, then I will have no problem with Him, and i wouldn't mind, helping Him out in his great plan whenever I'm free.

And today it finally hit me that what I've done was I backslid-ed without me knowing. But He didnt gave up on me, and instead, He's been there all this while, still waiting for me. So the calling for SUSOM was God's calling me back to Him.

#1 God spoke to me every morning through His QT(devotion and mediatation on Bible). I realized back home QT was so dry it was because i didnt took him seriously and i was so distracted by my life that I enjoyed, but now here in SUSOm, QT is the best part of the day. (Am not believing Im saying this, never was a QT person)

SUSOM resolution1 : To take QT more serious in my daily routine. No more Quiet time in the toilet. Lol

#2 God was arranging me was something greater. I often reject opportunity which requires a huge responsibility and commitment, but I often was chosen, and i really dislike it, and asked God why the burden? But in SUSOM I learned that God was preparing me to receive the gift of 'Leadership' .' Me, a leader? haha, joke of the century,' i thought, but now i looked back, the task i taken charge of.

#3 I was asked to share my testimony in an event in Ipoh, well, I totally lost count of the times I shared my testimony in public, btw, is only reading a story, no big deal, and then, 5 hours before the event, I was told, my piece of story was the only sharing of God's Word of that event that consist of 50% of non-Christians. There and then God spoke to me, He knew no matter how good i was at talking and reading, I was not able to give a good sharing, so He convicted me to ask the Holy Spirit for help, and let HS to take control. And yes, that day in a very long time, Hold Spirit took charge of me, and seeds was planted that night.

This actually reminds me of my days in school Christian Fellowship, where i was so bold and full of faith and preaching in public, because i Knew Holy Spirit will settle the everything else, so long i do my part. But now 3 years after form 5, i found out I lose faith in the Holy Spirit and learned to do things in my own effort, without God's help, not only in God's work, but everything else.

SUSOM resolution 2 : To trust Holy Spirit as much as I do, practice inviting HS in daily decision.

#4 God spoke to me through a book. Joshua Harris's STOP DATING THE CHURCH! Since form 6 started, I stop going to church, even till this very day. I was called the prodigal by the church elder, because i was missing for so long before SUSOM. But now, in this book, I learned that church was not a place of focus only for God, but is also for me. The focus is on me. Our relationship with God. God speaking directly to me through His word in Sermon. God wants me to go back to church because he wants to have a intimate relationship with me, he actually cares for me, and the church was not a place where only the one serving (pastor, elder, leaders, musician ) plays a role, but every one in the church. From the kids of sunday school to the senior citizen too.

SUSOM resolution 3 : To attend church , make CHURCH A PRIORITY

#5 Being a kid that is less fortunate, single parent, poor, under educated family, I cant experience many things that other kids already done so commonly. Going overseas for travel, seating on airplane, having good meals once in awhile, quality family time together, latest gadget, college. Even if i could, it is through many hardship, for example my car, my phone and laptop, my scholarship for college back in form 5, all this was my own effort, but even so, many people would disagree and obstacle, and is very discouraging, because sometimes, it would so close from getting what i want but then i'll still fail.

But then, God promise me so much more, if i follow him. So much fish, that my boat would sink. For example, through this mission trip, God have me a chance to seat on a plane, and travel around the world. To try different food, cultures, to meet with great people. To do things that i never thought i could within my capability.

All this while, my mindset of FTM was that it gonna be suffering, tired, worn out, no fun, no laughter only 'joy' of serving Him, which is simply 'brainwashing' people so they could go heaven. well, yes, i admit the joy is really priceless and invaluable. However i didn't want to let go of what i have already. All the hardwork i done to become who i want to be, but is in SUSOM I came to know greater things are yet to be done for me and through me.

To conclude SUSOM, i was busy being my own sandcastle that will be taken away any time by the tides, but I did not bother, because i knew Im able to build one to withstand the wave, but then God now God is asking me to join Him in building the REAL CASTLE which will not be broken down, HIS KINGDOM.

Now the question is, will i? will i let go all i have now, for Him? Well, i cant give a defiante answer now, bt i learn to let God take control of my life, let him be the lamp to my feet and the light upon my path. One step at a time, and when the time comes, He will show me the right path.

Super the movie review by ME :D

i took a day off from work today, just to chill and bought a DVD just to watch and relax. And i ended up buying this movie called SUPER.

Shows about an average joe, Frank (Rainn Wilson) being dumped by his wife and she choose to her old life of drugs addiction with a drug tycoon. Frank's wife was one the only perfect thing that has happened to him, the rest of his life of pretty much rejection and humiliation. He then decide to save her wife back fom her old ways such as confronting the tycoon, reporting to police etc, yet all fails.

The break up of his wife have depressed him so much that his fantasy of being a superhero (the chosen one) have made he to the take up the choice to fight evil, (there's this scene where he fantasize so extremly that he saw a vision from 'God's angel' to become the chosen one to fight crime) the ultimate villain of cause of the drug tycoon. And the ultimate goal was to bring her wife back from her old ways.

So, there begins his journey of fighting crime in the street. He started small, with only a suit and mask, he started to clear crime in his neighborhood with of cause up and down. With no superpowers, super gadgets or even self defense training, nothing but the will of saving her wife back and the help/sacrifice of a sidekick, Libby (Ellen Page) have finally bought her wife safely into her hands.

However, the twist in this story is at the very end of the story, where her wife and him did not live happily ever after. :( why you ask ?? After the life risking, and death of friend just to get her back, the relationship only lasted for a couple of months and that too is because out of obligation.

Sounds pretty sad huh? Well, maybe a reality check for those who are in a relationship right now, some time sacrifice that might cause a life for a relationship, might not result a lifetime relationship. But that's beside the point.

the story ended with the wife left to persuade her studies, in secondary school and college, pick up a course in psychology to help out people that have been through the same path as her and move on with a family of 4 children. She reach the highest peak of her life, being successful and happily ever after. So what about the HERO, man? He eventually move on because he understand this,

God have chose Him to save his former wife from her reckless living, and using him to give her a second chance. It is because of the blood shedding, life risking, tears and love that leave her an impact so hard to break her from her old ways. That was God's plan for him. The guy behind the scene to build a real hero (her ex-wife) to change the society.

Its funny how, we do not get the credit/reward we deserve after helping out people sometimes, and it hurts and disappoint more especially if its someone we been trying to get attention from or please, or just simply love and care about. But just because your sacrifice was not recognize, it doesnt mean it did not leave any impact on the person your offering help to. Plus , helping someone it was never about the return or the reward u will receive, it was always to help someone to achieve what is better/greater.

Feeling unappreciated lately? cheers mate, welcome to reality.The culture of society have made people to be self focus, to the extend we will not invest in anything else that doesnt benefit ourself, this is reality. But the heart of human, have made us different from others, we undefined reality. Now, if u understand what i'm trying to say here, what i'm trying to say is it doesnt really if u get fucked and screwed after trying to help someone, so long ur intention is good, it has planted a seed that will grew a tree of goodness.