let me start with this, right now, i dun knw wat to feel right now. i dun knw hw to feel and i just want to be numb to everythig. i wanna be cold hearted so that i can be cruel and people wil be scare of me. :) hehe.. i hate stuff that have hidden motive......

I just dun knw hw to feel it right anymore. lolx. told u nt to live by wat you feel

cant u hear sincerity in my voice.

this post its gonna be long. So hit the exit button now, if u do not wish to go on. :D

3 weeks has past since my dad told us that he dont want to leave with us anymore and i guess everything is picking up themself. As much as we try to be strong, we knw it hurts. THe pain of being cheated by someone u love wil not healed in the blink of an eye but time heals. (like everybody says) i know i dun show thhe pain much, maybe i'm good at acting, but the truth is, its hurts.

Well, not really because of the fact the he leave. But it is the small little things u knw. THe way it huurts my mum just raise the anger and hatred towards him, the way my brother try to adapt to wats happening making me feel useless, the fact that i really cant cope with my studies at school really makes me feel useless and like a pos.

few days back, i blame myself, could i ake a difference in what happen? if i had talk to him and confront my dad before about this.. the question just runs in my head, why didnt i confront him when i found out he was bitching and fucking outside when the whole entire family is just burning and suffering and struggling thru life. Could i have change anything?

And this is just half of it. I realised too that i cant tolerate critisim and discrimmination. Honestly, people worked hard and came to where they are today. But yet, u have nt understand a single shit of what they been thru happily be a simon cowell and critize on their life. WTH? who give u the right huh? Shut your mouth and try to see whta realy going on. I mean, have u knw hw deep the scar u have cost and how many friendship, hw many ppl gave up on their dream bcoz of u.. Although this doesnt happen to me recently, but i seen this around too much. And seriously, shut the F@#K up. ( not meant to be rude, bt i guess if i wasnt rude, would you listen, since its your language rite)

found this song recently. And i really feel this song, u knw what im trying to say. hehe.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie



but 1 thing i know for sure is this.


when life gets tough, u know u are on the right track,

because u wil get stronger, better and

u wil learn to appreaciate life a little bit more once u get thru it. :D

The world cant even hold us back right now. :)

Today started off but, coz i was just plain tired and just so sick of school. And i had to stay back after school for prefect duties, just to knw that my service is nt needed when i arrived there. But then, nt by chance i manage to help out in the afternoon session RECESS REVOLUTION!! awesome stuff man!

but then when i got home, i was just so devasted and tired and dissapointed til i saw this in fb. :)

Mingwei Lee ‎"...Now that the cabinet has officially declared that such non-Muslim
religious clubs and societies are allowed to exist and be formed in
schools if there are at least 15 students signing up, I
hope the school heads, some of whom practise the Little Napoleon
culture, will not make things difficult for the students who want to
...form such clubs or societies." - MalaysiaToday, 05August'10 (credit: Lilyan Chee)


THis is the world cant even hold us back now..

i really wtf (want to fly).. hehe... fml(for my lover) out there.. here's something lame for u guys!! insipired by a 16 yr old boy.

You know we know how
To make em stop and stare as we zone out
The world can't even hold us back right now
Worship you I'm worship you we'll go all out
The world can't even hold us Back right now (yeahhhhh)
The world can't even hold us Back right now (yeahhhhh)

Hey
U are the light and I don't need other help
Got da awesome feeling cause U aare here
U're so big, nothing u can't plan
Life with u everything goes yeah!
Love so unfailing makes our hearts just melt
You're so funny i talk to u till Twelve
You're so great i can't stop and stare
Jesus, saviour, U're my best friend

Follow You coz that's the business
back sliding it's so ridiclous
Zone out so much attention
Scream out You died & rose 'gain (hey! )
They watchin I know this
U're rockin U're rolling
I'm holding, U know it
You know it

You know we know how
To make em stop and stare as we zone out
The world can't even hold us back right now
Worship you I'm worship you we go all out
The world can't even hold us back right now (yeahhhhh)
The world can't even hold us back right now (yeahhhhh)

Hey
Jesus came into my life and take control
Can't stop thinking but come lets go
Ten more years and I might be too slow
Paparazzi i gonna let u know
Come to the party that i came to know
Celebrate coz u came to know

having fun with the groupies and holy ghost
Grand finale' like superbowl
Go hard its your show
Shine His glory out and make them blow
More light more nice when He walk in the door
Or else He'll do it big all over the globe
Yeah!

I said it
Go tell it
Bout His love
Who ready?
I'm ready!
You ready!
Lets do it!

You know we know how
To make em stop and stare as we zone out
The world can't even hold us back right now
Worship you I'm worship you we go all out
The world can't even hold us back right now (yeahhhhh)
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )
The world can't even hold us back right now (yeahhhhh)
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )

You got me worship now (hey)
Got my attention now (hey)
Got everybody in the world wanting to know now
I am ur servant Lord
Come and be my saviour and...
We can roll, soo, ahhhhhh
Bring my body here for You as a daily offering
Take me up out of this world and into heaven oh
Fly me all around the world
What you want me Jesus
I am ready to go now!

You know we know how
To make em stop and stare as we zone out
The world can't even hold us back right now
Worship you I'm worship you we go all out
The world can't even hold us back right now (yeahhhhh)
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )
(Put your hands up! )
The world can't even hold me back right now (yeahhhhh)
(Put your hands up! )
Lets celebrate now
(Put your hands up! )
You know that He loves U now!

FML- father's mother's love

honestly, at thos very momment. I just really wanna fml. As in literally f my life. Yea, i knw hw i always say its a different phase of my life. Bt seriously is dam fking tough ok.. I mean seriously wei, is this smetime of jokes. yeap, some speaker once said, God is putting me thru all this bcoz he likes me, bt hey i dun really like myself. In fact, i hate myself.. (denying myself? Lolx)

Fck it la ok. I mean, i used to have a dream to go for my scholarship and persuade my dream, bt fine. Since u dowan it, den so be it. Bt nw u see wat a mess u have leave me and den u just amake it worst. Cme on wei, wat do u want frm me??

Thats nt enuf? Havent u figure out why i prefer staying outside den being at home. Trust me, its mre than frens. do u knw hw tense is it staying wif u. Trying to find fault in me? Like totally wtc? Dun rub it in when u knw that i am right.

Cant u see im trying my best to put a smile on my face already? Can u see that this isnt wat i want? Cant u? Why are u so blind??

Fml is smthg makes someone stronger and better. Bt it can also crush u down one day.

Why did u even decide to have me even when u knw its fking wrong? Yes, this is for the both of u..

finally..

Hmm.. in less than 24 hours, i receive a phone call from my dad, saying that he cant stay with my family anymore.



Yes, again, they fought, and again, my dad was caught cheating again for the countless time. But this time, he ended up leaving the house. Well, i wasnt home when all this happened. When i got home, as usual, my mum was just like any other emo gal, telling me wad happened, and saying that my dad still have affair outside. And say that he have another family besides us. although all this is my mum's assumption, i'm not surprise at all.



Actually, i knew this all along. All this while i've just been 'buat bodoh-ing', keeping all things low, the reason where i belief in time that, all this should be keep low because it will just tear my mum apart. but i guess it's about time.



The marriage that wasnt start not of the reason of love will one day be broken. (see, thats why dun have se before marriage) Because they had me, they are forced to be married, and then till today, it has come to an end.



hmm.. well, i hope both of my parents can act like proper adult and just ket each other go and live their own live from now on. dun hate each other but wish the best for each other. Yes, although both of them are almost 50 years old now, but live is never too late to start enjoying.



currently i decided to stop picking up my dad phone call or in contact, because i think that, they should communicate themselve and not u their child to be the awkward messenger. so yea, i do not hate him.

In conclusion, although this is something i have expected this a decade although, but have prepared myself mentally. But the impact and the pain still really hurts. Haha.. Im fine. seriously. Cause Jesus loves me no matter wat. :)I hope that both of my parents will understand this too, hehe.

Bye dad, i hope this is the last time i'm saying this. :) and this is for both of my parents.

life is very real. just hasn’t be as “in your face” as it is now.. zach from smk seafield.. whoa.. just the thing for me now.. i mean i expecting this thing to happen but just not now. so sien la.. haha.. cant it happen some other time.. lolx...

updates

im sorry this blog has been so dead.. hehe.. so here are so quickie updates..

25th June: yes, its my bfday.. thx for the bfday wish guys.. seriously very touched by every wishes.. and trust me, i had a blast!! haha.. well, i started of in the bus station and head down to run the pre rally in Mentakab, pahang for the first ever rally!! whooo.. Its was seriously beyond awesome man. i mean wat could be better than surrender your 18th bfday back to God. Praise him..

26th june:
The thing was finnaly done!! haha.. sos rally arrived.. Pahang experience their first ever rally inspired by subang rally.. and it changed the lifestyle of the youth in Pahang..

well.. i wanted to post pictures.. but somehow i cant.. dk why.. haha.. blog must have merajuk wif me for not blogging for so darn long..

oh yea.. there was this girl that i never met before, but i get to know her thru msn or smthg like dat accepted christ wen she came for this event. So yea.. awesome stuff wei..

3th july

Exactly, in one week time.. Subang rally is here.. ignite!!

Nothing in contact with fire will ever be the same again..

This year, tough im like so darn old already i still get to serve in the technical team.. so awesome wei.. hehe.. and this year some how.. i ended going to rally with 14 years old... lolx..

Awesome?? yea.. pretty much.

en, rally was good la.. i mean.. i get to went up stage and talk.. amen!! haha.. sorry la.. it was my dream.. And if i wasnt wrong.. Andrian Goh and Samanha from my school actually accepted christ.. haha.. cool stuff wei..

hehe.. NOW:

So far form6 its not bad for me.. hehe.. im really interested in my subjects.. bt my teachers are abit 'errrrrrr' , lets just say, i dun suit their way of teaching.. its not the teachers, its me.. and i hate the stupid firetrucking cocuriculum wei. like seriously wei, first the 8 hours of studies and then we waste another two hours playing chess and snake and leaders.. totally wtc wei..

oh yea.. and then i was selected by the prefect leader to run for head prefect. Haha..

awesome stuff wei.. LOLX. i enjoyed being a prefect but then people like me..

But today when i was running for the campaign..

i felt it was more like a popularity contest than a campaign thing.. haih..

and i really doubt myself whether i can do it or not.. so yea..

so yea.. more updates coming soon.. hehe... lolx.. oh yea.. i shaved bald just for fun.. hehe.. and it just hit me that i really need to grow up wei.. hehe.